The things I learned in Grief

*Disclaimer: these are not therapeutic or coaching recommendations; simply a list of what I've learned in my process in losing my soul mate at 32 - the intention is to build some connection, not to give advice or support.

GRIEF:

-It doesn't care what time it is - I wish time could stop to give me space to grieve, but life continues on for everything and everyone else

-It pulls heartache from the deepest parts of your soul

-It will take most of your focus if you neglect it

-It deepens when you step into it

-It's some of the deepest pain I've ever felt, and has often produced pure exhaustion because I know I have to continue to carry it

-It makes you lose focus

-It brings physical pain

-It's confusing, frustrating, and intolerable sometimes

-It stops time and never leaves you; it becomes a part of you; you are now someone that has lost - deeply

-People have their own expectations of your grief

-It changes your brain

-It leaves you searching

-It becomes an undertone for everything you do; I’m consistently sad or reminiscent, even if I’m happy

-Most days it's not optimistic, it's not "love without a place to land", it's a longing, a loneliness, a beating, and a tearing apart

-Momentarily, it reminds me how much I loved and was loved in return

-Unless you choose to work with it deeply, it tends to keep you out of your body and consistently looking for hope and healing outside of yourself

-No one else will ever care for that soul as much as you did (except maybe that person)

-They'll come back to you in this life as energy, and sometimes it brings a smile to your face, and sometimes it breaks you down, feeling alone again and emphasizing the distance between you

-The message "let me know what you need" becomes too big of a task because I have to come up with how I feel, what I need, and who I need to ask for it, and I don't have the energy. I just want someone to come be with me without asking

-It makes you contemplate why you're still here

-It makes it hard to string a bunch of good days together because in between them is deep sadness

-You tend to think about relationships with the potential loss and then wonder what's really worth it

-You develop an awareness of how little time we have

-It challenges every coping mechanism you have

-It makes your future relationships (that you put effort into) more meaningful

-It can make you a terrible version of yourself - you’re trying to re-learn how to do life (like a child would) in an adult body with responsibilities, and it often makes you resort to frustration, confusion, and uncertainty.

-It makes life seem harder than it was before - but it also makes you stronger to deal with anything

-It becomes a part of who you are, which leads to even more grief because you lose the person you were when they were alive, and you dream of the future that could have been different if they were still here

-When you breathe out in a space of grief, they sit there - in your heart - and remind you that you’re not alone

-You’re never actually alone in grief, others have grieved too, but theirs is different - so it can feel lonely

-You will avoid certain things because it too often triggers your sadness

-Your emotions will consistently feel like a roller coaster - happy and optimistic, to sad and longing

-You will come back to your deep love, even for a moment, and feel a full heart

Each of these things is something I have felt, over and over again in my grief journey.
I will probably continue to feel each of these things as I carry this with me for the rest of my life. I know some of you may feel the same ways and find comfort in it being worded in this way. I’m not trying to fix you, give you recommendations, or be a coach. Just share my experience and hope that it may invoke a feeling in you. That simple.

If you experience deep grief - I promise it will get better. (I know that’s the very last thing I want to hear on my bad days, but I promise it’s true). Reach out to someone that will literally just sit on your couch with you and not say a word. Or will bring you a beverage and walk away. Or will text you a heart everyday just knowing that you don’t need to respond.