How to get better at communicating

Did you know that 90% of communication has nothing to do with the words you say (so realistically, you're only getting 10% of my message here!?!!)

55% of our communication comes from physiology and body language.

38% of our communication comes from tonality and how you say things.

And the measly 7, maybe 10%, is the words you actually form.

Think about if you go to another country and don't speak the language. If someone starts yelling at you in a foreign language, you will probably have no idea what they're saying, but their posture and their tone will likely tell you that they're angry.

Another scenario is that I say "I love you" to my dog and really mean it because they've been so cute and well-behaved all day. But when my partner makes a really shitty joke and makes fun of me and we've both had a hard day I say "I love you" with a kind of angry and sarcastic tone - telling him I heard him, but not telling him I liked it.

I said 3 words in both circumstances, but they meant totally different things.

The way you get better at communicating is to be able to utilize the more impactful parts of communication - body language and tonality.

I always recommend starting with rapport first.

Rapport, simply put, is building a likeness with the person you're talking to. This usually looks like matching and mirroring body language and movements. You can match someone's body language by doing the same or similar thing they're doing.

*Not to mock and copy them (intention is important here), but to bring a sense of understanding between you.

So if the person you're talking to is crossing their legs, you can also cross your legs. If they reach up to scratch their nose, you can reach up to scratch your nose.

Mirroring works similarly. Mirroring can be different sides of the body or working with similar parts. If you can imagine someone scratches their right knee with their right hand, you can scratch your left knee with your left hand and still build rapport. Mirroring can also be if a person reaches out with their right hand to adjust something on the table, you can reach out with your left hand to adjust your sleeve. Your bodies are unconsciously building rapport, or likeness, by noting that you are moving together.

Again, you aren't doing this to manipulate, but to build unconscious trust. If you build body language rapport with the person you are talking to, you will communicate more effectively.

Two other aspects I will touch on quickly are having confidence in your own communication and being flexible in your conversation.

You don't have to have full confidence in the topic you're talking about to have confidence in your communication. You do have to have confidence in your values, and confidence in your vulnerability and openness to whatever may come up in conversation.

Being flexible in your communication boils down to being open to new ideas and the other person's reality. Whatever they're saying is coming from their own experience. So if you can get to know the person a bit better, you can get to know why they might say things and how they might also be experiencing the conversation.

TLDR:

To build better communication - build some physical rapport with the person you're talking to, have some confidence in yourself by knowing your values, and be open to different perspectives as you both talk.