How to Make Friends as an Adult
Humans are social beings. We tend to be better when we work within close-knit groups. We want to be supported and have the opportunity to support others.
We like to be celebrated, held, encouraged, enlightened, and to build confidence, connection, and likeness with others. Most people also find great value and fulfillment in being able to give those as well.
The reason I bring up connection and community today is because it's on my heart of how hard it can be to build high-quality relationships as an adult.
We don't always like our co-workers (who we spend tons of time with); we don't always go to the same restaurants or do the same hobbies as others we'd like to hang out with - and even if we do - we don't always commit the time and effort it takes to really get to know a new person.
So how do we build the deep connections with others that we so greatly desire when it's hard to fit it into our schedule and actually put in the effort to build the relationship?
-- It depends on who you're trying to build the relationship with --
But the process will look a bit like dating regardless of your goals of building connection. You'll have to introduce yourself to the other person - be interested in what they tell you about themselves by asking intriguing and inviting questions and then telling them some general things about yourself regarding your likes, dislikes, goals, and values. It can help to have an intention in your mind of "I'd really like to make a friend that I can chat about future plans with over an easy dog walk a couple of times a month" and then as you engage with these new people, see if they adequately fit your idea of how you'd like that experience to play out in the future.
How do you know you've put in the effort to someone new, gotten to know them better, and that you'll actually have a good relationship in the future?
From my experience, it's a feeling. You'll know by the number of times something comes up in your life and you think about telling that person something or how they'd think of the experience you're going through. You'll feel more deeply connected to them somewhere in your body (for me it's usually a warmth in my heart). You may also begin to think more and more about things you could do together in the future.
Maybe this new friend - you originally met on the hiking trail and now go together twice a month - and now you're planning a backpacking trip, dinner, and meeting each other's cats.
The biggest hurdle we face in building new relationships with people is usually prioritizing it. The time, the effort, the interest, or the vulnerability. Once you've decided that you're ready and committed to developing a new relationship (or more than one) - create an intention. What do you want out of a friendship, what do you need? What qualities do you admire in a friend and what drives you crazy? What are you willing to give to them in terms of time and effort and what do you expect from them?
When you start engaging with new people, if you've developed some of the above criteria, you'll know if this friend fits you!
Commit to building relationships, bring an intention and some criteria, and get out there and do things! (Do them tired, do them scared, do them uncertain, do them confident, just go try!). And don’t forget to be grateful for the fast friends that you make that continue to support you with “little to no effort.”
